|daylightfadings I can feel you hold me down.
||[Nov. 1st, 2005|12:54 pm]
The moment I felt my fangs sink into the tender flesh upon his neck I was screamed at in such a tone that it forced me to push and back away from my new doll. I was being scolded?! Bad, BAD princess, says them! They're supposed to give praise and now I was the naughty girl?! "But they're cruel," I whispered out to the air, trembling and shaking as I felt the warm, humming blood trickle down from the corner of my mouth. Sweet, bitter, sweet, bitter.. my mouth was making up sickening stories. The priests were looking upon me in disbelief, fear curling off them like filthy weeds, and they comforted the broken bird that I threw at them. I tried to reach out but I couldn't.. I wanted to rip them apart for hurting me so.. but the wails continued to bounce inside my ears louder and louder. It was so horrid! "ENOUGH!" I screamed while the voices took stabs upon me, cupping my hands upon my ears in hopes to close them out and away. You can never get away, they promised me again and again, you will never escape. Each word that was snickered to me continued to make the world around me pour to ash.
How could I submit? How could I make them stop? I pushed the door open and struggled to move outside, hoping that the stars above can somehow give me answers. It was all too much.. I couldn't abide it any longer. "Please," I begged as my eyes went skyward, watching them blink and sizzle upon the darkening sky, "tell me how to chase them away! The carousel has stopped spinning and the children have fled because nobody's having any fun anymore! Make them come back!" But no answers. Not so much as a comforting lullaby. All I could hear was their screaming. Their pleading. I was an ugly girl, I've done so many twisted deeds. Dirty, dirty forever inside.. I should be placed deep inside the dirt so that no one can find me ever again. All alone, forever lost..
No.. no.. "NO!" Fearful, I moved back into a concrete snake hole, allowing the shadows to consume me away from onlookers' gazes. My thoughts went trotting back inside the church before the hunger hurt me so bad that it played evil tricks on my eyes. Daddy. He was the only one who could hurt me in such a way.. oh yes, this fear I taste inside my mouth was like ones he gave me so many delicious times before. No one could hurt me like he did and this.. this pain.. it was punishment! A sudden giggle bubbled from me, a laughter that was pushed through my pores and through my endless tears. This was not real. It couldn't be real. Not this manner of torment. Not these kinds of games that Grandmummy would play on others not like us. It was a nightmare. Yes, that must be! Vile, evil little critter trapsing about on quiet hooves through people's minds and tangling webs with little black spiders, that one. Bad horses! Bad.. horrid Angelbeasts! Scarring my good dreams endlessly as he did the very first day he laid his devil eyes upon me! I did not feel them for so long but now those eyes were constantly watching now.. spying on me so frightening like a twisting maggot breaking from the flesh..
I must escape them. There had to be somewhere..
If I could not find sanctuary inside.. then I would find it outside. Anxiousness grew within my chest and the sight of cracking tombstones hiding behind the church was quick to snatch my wanderless gaze. A cemetary? As a mouse did I scurry away from the sounds of the people and into the hush of the graveyard. Ohh how much better this felt. Solitude and familiarity.. sunshine and staples all piled together to hush the banshees for at least the moment. My feet failed me just past the gate and I stumbled over myself until I was bowed down upon earth and knees before a tall fountain who was obviously keeping watch over the giggling tombstones. They all looked like little children beneath it.. beneath an angel's statue clinging so tightly to the tower. How lovely! "Ohh hoohoo," came a sneaky chuckle from within me. "Mister canary has no songs, does he? Come! You've got the wings, songbird. Play mummy a tune that she might feel better. Come, now!" I waited for a moment but not a sound broke the air.. even when I managed a whistle at it in hopes it would copy me. I frowned disappointedly. "Angry because you were not fed again?"
Spike had often scolded me for neglecting my children and ooh, the times he would make me feel cross. Dead because you did not feed them, Dru, he would say. Even then.. it was my fault. All mine and no one else's. Spike. My mind raced with the feeling of him often. I wished to wonder what had come of him. I remember sitting at my porcelain table with my belly all fuzzy and warm with fresh life and suddenly the world fell into a black and white twirl. It was razor sharp.. cutting me deep enough to make my insides writhe and scream in agony, and I would brush Miss Edith's hair for hours while I whispered sweet fairytales for her and I. I knew very well of the harsh message that was given to me, dry ribbons and dying roses, and I understood that the spark finally ate him whole. He melted away from here.. fell into a black hole where no one could ever reach him ever again, not even the shadows. Trapped. Gone. All alone for one sweet girl.
Since then the stars didn't speak to me much, not of my family. Or it was because I refused to listen. No matter how the tune was sung it was very upsetting and I grew tired of my moods being spoiled by the bickerings of their betrayal. It wasn't fun that my dances were always interrupted, and now...
A distant breath broke the air and I watched the motionless angel's face. I could feel the banshees scratching and clawing to reach me, demanding me to let them in. I was yearning to hear a sweet voice.. anything to protect and sheild me from their ravenous clutches. "Not in the mood to talk, my pet? Do you blame me, too?"